


Mob Rules: Coming Out

by gracefultree



Series: Thought Experiments on House/Wilson Beginnings [4]
Category: House M.D.
Genre: Dialogue-Only, House knows everything, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-21
Updated: 2016-07-09
Packaged: 2018-07-16 10:28:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7264279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gracefultree/pseuds/gracefultree
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wilson has something important to tell his best friend.  How will House take the news?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My first dialogue-only story. Hope I got the voices down. Enjoy!

House, I’m gay.

And I'm bi. Big deal. Do you want Chinese?

Did you hear what I just said? 

You're gay. I know. Chinese? 

House!

What? 

You don't have anything to say about that?

No. 

What do you mean, no?

No, I don't have anything to say. You're gay, I already knew. Are you done?

This is a big deal! This is- 

Oh, God, does this mean we have to talk about feelings? Ok. I'll start. Jimmy, when did you first know you were gay? No, wait, don't tell me! You've _always_ known. 

This isn't a joke, House. 

I know. But it's not a big deal, either. You're gay. I don't care. You can have sex with men, women, and sheep, for all I care. Though, admittedly, I'd make fun of the sheep. But back to your point. You're taking the opportunity of a very closeted gay mobster to come out to me. It was bound to happen one of these days. Frankly, I'm surprised it only took you 13 years. I figured you'd wait for lucky 15. 

You knew? You know? You've known as long as we've known each other and you haven't said anything? You were my best man at two of my weddings! You never said anything! 

Not my place. 

You value the truth above all else! Why wouldn't you - 

You weren't out to yourself. _Or_ ready to be out to anyone else. Believe it or not, but sometimes I think before I say things. 

How did you - ?

Does it matter? You're still my friend. 

But - But -

So, Chinese is a no? How about pizza?

I don’t know what to say.

Good. I’m ordering.

I don’t want pizza.

Not gay enough for you? What about that girly vegetarian vietnamese stuff you forced me to eat last month?

No! No, that was awful. I don’t even know why I wanted to try it.

That leaves us with my original question. Chinese?

Yeah, sure, whatever. No steak.

Don’t worry, I haven’t been slipping Male Flame into your coffee. And, no, you don’t have that genetic marker, anyway. I checked.

That’s not even funny! He could have died.

You’re the one who said he didn’t want steak.

You’re an asshole.

Very funny. Is this when you tell me you’re secretly in love with me? Because I’ve known _that_ for years, too.

Wha-

Quit giving me that look. I’ve had you figured out for a long time.

And, what? Are going to do anything about it?

Do anything? You mean, like offer to suck your cock? Offer to bend over? Sure, why not? Which do you want first? Or I could fuck you. That might be better for someone just coming out. You wouldn’t have to think as much.

And I thought you couldn’t be any more of an asshole.

You expected flowery romantic declarations? Have you met me?

I just - I don’t know what I expected.

Finally, some honesty! If you don’t know what you want, why don’t I tell you what I want?

Ok. Sure.

First, we eat Chinese and watch TV. Then I take a Vicodin or two and we have sex. How’s that sound?

You need a Vicodin to have sex?

Have you seen the gaping hole in my thigh?

Oh, right. We’d have to, um —

Stop thinking. It’ll be fine.

You’re sure?

I’ll still be an asshole in the morning. You’ll still be a goody-two shoes who cries at movies and cares about people.

Ri-ight.

If it makes any difference, I promise not to out us for a month.

That’s supposed to reassure me?

I’ve had the banner printed for years.

I know I’ll regret asking this, but… what banner?

The one that says: ‘Jimmy Wilson’s ass belongs to House. Stay away, bitches!’ I was going to hang it in the main lobby once you put out.

Oh, God. Please. Please don’t do that!

Depends. Are you going to put out?

What, tonight?

Yes. I thought we’d just agreed to that. Chinese, TV, sex.

If I agree to this, you can’t out us until I’m divorced.

That’ll be months!

True, but think how much fun you’ll have with that banner.

You’d agree to the banner if I agree to wait until you’re divorced?

Yes.

And we’d be having sex?

Yes. Lots of it. I have 13 years to make up for.

Is it Christmas already? I know just where I want to fuck you in the hospital. I have a list.

No sex at work until we’re out.

But I have a list!

I don’t care.

A list, Wilson! A list!

You’ll just have to wait.

But Mooo-ooom!

And if I find out you’ve outed us in any way before I say it’s ok, I’m leaving.

You’re not serious?

I’m deadly serious.

Why?

Because if I’m taking up with a middle-aged, crippled, drug-addicted, misanthropic bastard like you, I’m going to need as much money I can get to support your habits, and I’m not letting Julie find out and risk losing anything at the divorce hearing.

So by not outing us, I guarantee more money for me, more sex for me, and more fun for me once the news breaks?

I suppose you could look at it that way.

Good. It’s a deal.

Excellent. Keep the list, though. We’ll need it in a few months.

You know she’s cheating on you, right?

Julie? No way!

Uh huh. I bet that’ll get you some dough at the hearing.

You just want me for my money. You’re so like my ex-wives.

At least I admit that’s what I want. That and your body.

I can always count on you to be brutally honest.

Get the door. It should be dinner.

You mean you ordered before I got here? Why bother asking what I wanted?

Seemed polite. Don’t take all the crab rangoon!

No, I know better than to deprive you of crab rangoon.

.

.

.

Wilson?

Yeah?

Do you really want to be with me?

I wouldn’t be here having this conversation if I didn’t. Do you want to be with me?

I’ve wanted it for a long time.

Then we’re agreed. From now going forward we’re having a secret gay love affair.

I don’t like it being secret. I want everyone to know.

Even your father?

Especially my father. I hope it gives him a heart attack!

Oh, by all means, let’s tell him in person, then.

Great idea! But you have to wear a dress. Like in ’The Birdcage.’

I’m not wearing a dress. That’s non-negotiable.

But you’ll let me hang the banner?

I told you, once the divorce is final. Then you can hang the banner and tease me all you want.

We should find a way of getting into the nurse’s betting pool about us.

I’m already in. I put $1000 on March a few months ago. The divorce should be final by then.

How did you -?

I have my sources.

So you coming out to me tonight was just part of your plan to get the pot?

Not entirely. I actually want to sleep with you, believe it or not.

I’m not your first, am I?

God, no! I’ve been having sex with men since I was sixteen.

Huh.

What?

You sounded so shocked when I offered to blow you, I figured it was just theoretical gayness.

Life’s too short. It’s been a while, but I think I remember how to do it.

How long’s a while?

Four, five years. You?

Two weeks ago. Some twink I picked up at a bar.

No more twinks or hookers or girlfriends, you know. For either of us.

Good. I don’t like to share.

I know.

Well, then, let’s move to the bed, shall we?

You don’t beat around the bush much, do you?

Not anymore. Sausage-fest from here on out.

You’re a real asshole, you know that? But I love you anyway.

Yeah, yeah. Feeling’s mutual. Strip.


	2. Announcement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> House has an announcement for the hospital.

Attention, hospital flunkies! 

House! Get off the intercom! 

It’s better to let him do it, Lisa. It’ll be easier on us all this way. 

James? Are you in on this? What’s he doing? 

What’s it look like I’m doing? I’m making an announcement. Now, where was I? Ahem. My name is Dr. Gregory House. You might remember me from the time I saved your idiot patient’s life when you couldn’t or — 

House, stick to the script. 

There’s a script? 

Yes. Remember, I even typed it up for you. 

Oh, that. I lost it. I guess I’ll have to ad-lib. 

No, I made another copy. Here. 

Spoil all my fun, will you? 

Oh, for God’s sake, just make your stupid announcement. 

Yes, Mistress Cuddy. I’m Gregory House, and I’m here to tell all you bozos out there that Dr. James Wilson is officially off the market. Forever! Mwa ha ha! 

Did you really have to do the scary laugh? 

It sets the mood. To continue: Wilson is mine. We’re going to have hot gay sex every night for the rest of time, so if one of you nurses or other female-types gets it in your head to try to make him straight again, you’ll be — 

House! No threats! 

I was going to say ‘disappointed’, but… Fine. [clears throat] This is an official announcement that Dr. James Wilson and Dr. Gregory House have registered with the Sate of New Jersey and PPTH Human Resources as domestic partners. That means they’re having sex, children. Lots of it. There will be no more betting about when they get or got together, and there will be no more flirting with Dr. Wilson. I’ll mess up your face if I catch you at it. That goes for the men, too. 

I said, no threats! 

Just staking my claim, lover-boy. If anyone has any questions, please refer to the banner in the hospital lobby. 

Banner? What banner? 

Lisa, please don’t look yet. Just let him finish. 

There’s more? 

This is House. Of course there’s more. He hasn’t completely humiliated me yet. 

Speaking of humiliation, there will be a Q & A later this afternoon for — Wait, it seems like the Q & A has been cancelled due to Dr. Wilson’s pressing need to get in my pants. Again! We’ve already been there this morning and it was — 

House! 

Don’t deny it, James. You were begging to have sex at work last night. 

Now is _not_ the time! 

That’s right, folks, he’s loud and pushy and demanding and insatiable! 

And House likes to cuddle. 

I do not! 

He does. All the time. He likes to talk after sex, too, so — mmph. 

Boys? 

. . . 

Boys? I think you’ve made your point. 

. . . 

Oh, screw it. 

. . . 

Goddamn it! That’s my pager. 

Mine, too. Hey, where’d Cuddy go? 

Probably turned on by watching us make out and had to leave. 

You’re a bad, bad influence on me, you know that, Greg? 

Don’t tell me you don’t love it. 

. . . 

Oh, my God! They’re really kissing! 

Told you. Pay up. 

Oh, look, the Three Musketeers! 

Is it true? About you and Wilson? 

Sorry, Cameron, but we can’t have a threesome with you. Wilson’s gay and I’m too old to — 

House! 

No? You want a — 

You’ve made the announcement, you’ve hung the banner, you’ve humiliated me in front of the whole hospital. That’s enough for today or I’m cutting you off. 

Ha! You can’t get enough of me. You’ll last an hour, tops, then you’ll be after me for sex again. 

Did you two know the loudspeaker was still on? 

Oh, shit. I thought Cuddy would have turned it off… 

It’s ok, James. We’ll — 

[screetch]


End file.
